What not to wear

Stacy London & Clinton Kelly are two of the meanest people I've ever seen. They host a show on TLC called, "What Not to Wear". It's one of these ambush style shows where people bring in their own wardrobes for evaluation. The show starts with this week's victim in front of a 360 degree mirror. A horrifying experience to say the least!

Then they go through the wardrobe piece by piece and actually throw things away! I couldn't believe it. Who on earth let's people do this?! I swear the deck has to be stacked here because I caught two shows back to back and I have to tell you that no one has wardrobes this bad.

They hand these poor people $5,000 in New York City and expect them to come back with a whole new wardrobe. Have these so-called stylists ever shopped in New York? I don't know if they're sending people to TJ Maxx or what, but you're not going to get far in Donna Karan, sister. More like an expedition to Old Navy...

Money Quote of the Day

This was passed on by a friend. Catherine, whoever you are, you're a genius!

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

~ Catherine

Supermodel Slugger

I'm guessing by now that all of you have read about May Andersen, Danish Super Model, being taken into custody by Miami/Dade's finest for bitch slapping a flight attendant on a trans-Atlantic flight. While details are scarce, here's what we do know:

1. May looks like a heroin addict. This mug shot is right up there with Nick Nolte's. Does she always look that bored? Wait, it's her job. I guess the cop wasn't shouting the pre-requisite, "Make love to the camera!". And is that herpes on her lips or just a bad case of acne?

2. May could be Michelle Pfifer's missing twin sister (how soap opera) or secret love child (how tabloid!)

3. May Andersen, super-model, ahem, I mean Super Model. Hmmm...never heard of her. Apparently she has done one Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and some Victoria's Secret shots and, like Tony Soprano, she is "made".

4. You don't want to try entering the U.S. under a visa waiver program. I don't know how Elite pulled that one off, but May is now spending the night in immigration custody.

5. Described as "a 23 year-old stunner", she's possibly the oldest Super Model on the planet bar Tara Banks.

Now there are life lessons to be had from this experience friends. First and foremost, there is no such thing as bad publicity. If May could make Fox News she has a shot at a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU. Also, doesn't it just warm the cockles of your heart to know that the TSA and Customs Officials are working day and night to keep angry, hideous 23 year old supermodels from storming our shores in search of catalog work?

I know I will sleep better at night...

The Shoe Wizard

Now I know that all you think I ever do is drink. Judging from my blogging so far, you wouldn't be totally wrong. However, on occasion I indulge in that age old therapy...shoe shopping. I met a wondrous elf recently at the newly opened Stuart Weitzman shop at 112 Grant Avenue. His name is Kenneth Logronio and he is a shoe God.

I had done a drive by, and was lusting after a gorgeous pair of Weitzman's black knotted Greek sandals. I told Ken my size and viola, minutes later 3 boxes of fabulousness arrived. We tried the 7's, the 7-1/2's, back to the 7's, ooh don't you just love this other style, I still think the 7's fit best, but just try this one for me, humor me! On and on it went for 15 minutes or so before I decided I simply could not leave the store without the Greeks. To quote Sex & the City, "You need a great sandal like that in the Hamptons..."

The little minx even slipped a catalog into my bag as I left. The shoes are even comfortable. Thank you Shoe God!

Tipple of the week...

There's a new bar opened in San Francisco, and I think it's going to be a hit. It's called Rye and can be found at the corner of Leavenworth & Geary next to the Osha Noodle House. It has a mod yet industrial interior, and lounge seating.

Rye even feature that oh so Vegas bottle service at your table. Tres Lohan. There's even a cleverly designed patio up front that opens on sunny days. We haven't had many of those lately to be sure, but it was open at happy hour on Friday night.

I highly recommend the Cranberry Crush. It's muddled cranberries, soda, vodka and a few other things thrown in for good measure. Served in a tall glass with red cranberries for garnish it slips down easy and is the cure for all that ails you. I think from now on you will Catch me in the Rye...

Tipple of the week...

I had a delicious cocktail at brunch today at Tres Agaves. Called La Paloma con Arette Blanco. It's ingredients are simple:

Fresh grapefruit juice
Tequila blanco

Served tall & finished with soda

Simply fabulous darlings!

Inside the fashion studio

This weekend I was watching Inside the Actor's Studio. Natalie Portman was on, and since I consider her one of the most beautiful women on earth, I couldn't turn it off. At the end of the show James Lipton, the obsequious host, always gives Bernard Pivot's questionnaire. My favorite political blogger Kvatch recently adapted it for politics. Tonight I'm adapting it for something much more important...fashion.

What is your favorite textile? - Cashmere

What is your least favorite textile? - Polyester

What designer turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? - Tom Ford

What designer turns you off? - Alexander McQueen

What is your favorite purse word? - Handbag

What color do you love? - Pink

What color do you hate? - Brown

What profession in the fashion world would you like to attempt? - Buyer for Barney's

What fashion profession would you not like to do? - Cobbler

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? -
"Darling, no one here pays retail."

Who made your dress?

Imagine the next time you're on the red carpet stumping for your new film or just trying desperately to glean some publicity Melissa Rivers leans over and asks you..."Who made your dress". You smile slyly, hesitate just a moment too long and say, "Mother Nature". Because...you're wearing an Oscar de la Renta made of, wait for it, CORN. Yes corn. Iowa's bounty has been turned into a fabric ala polyester only oh so more hippy named Ingeo.

My first question, is it machine washable? Well apparently it will hold up better than your corn pops in the Kenmore. My second question, is it edible? Apparently not. My final question, will it be produced in the same factory that is making Willie Nelson's bio-Willie fuel? If so you're going to have to fight Darryl Hannah at the racks ladies.

Yikes!

The sweet smell of success?

I read in The Week recently that the launch of a successful new perfume can generate $650,000 a week in revenues. A more staggering statistic, P. Diddy's new fragrance made double that or approximately $1.3 million a week.

So in honor of all the new celebrity perfumes being launched, I thought I'd speculate on what they're really smell like...

- Mariah Carey's yet to be launched fragrance by Elizabeth Arden: Let's call this one "Baby Hooker". It would smell like bubblegum, musk and silicone.

- Britney Spears Curious: I've always thought this one probably smells like Brit herself, a little B.O., a lot of hair product, and cigarettes.

- Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely: it just won a FiFi award, so my best guess is it smells like gardenias and coffee. Two of Carrie, ahem, I mean Sarah's favorite things.

- J. Lo's Glow, Love & Live - Sweat, more sweat and, yup sweat again. Eww!!!

- P. Diddy's Unforgiveable: It's gotta be a combination of cigars and Cristal, don't you think? Or perhaps it just smells like money.

File this one under "Duh!"

Scientists have discovered that energy drinks and alcohol don't mix. So drop that red bull and vodka ladies, it's not good for you!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Healthology/story?id=1774151&page=1

A day of random thoughts

Okay I'm still reeling from the realization that Daylight Savings time begins today and I'm getting 1 less hour of sleep/movies/cocktails. I know I've been awol, but I thought I take the short time I do have to throw out some random thoughts.

- Kimberly Stewart's sidekick is hacked. Well maybe if you didn't accept *free* mobile phones at every swag issuing, L.A. booze fest you wouldn't have this problem. I swear T-Mobile has guy on staff who does nothing but hack and post the free giveaway sidekicks. Anyway, who is Kimberly Stewart? The daughter of some has-been rock star. Why should we care? All this girl does is hit the boutiques, drink like a fish, and announce a new engagement every month. E-list baby.

- That statue of Britney Spears giving birth, still can't get over that. Quelle horror. Where are her lawyers? Oh yeah, they're busy fighting of the lawsuit against her by her bodyguards. My question: "Where were you guys when that sculptor was working? Huh?"

- Is Nicole Ritchie actually getting shorter? I mean she's been shrinking for a while, but this is ridiculous. May it's just Mazy's enormous hair!

- If Jennifer Aniston doesn't want us to think she's depressed, why does she always wear black? And somebody please tell this woman that Vince Vaughn is not the father of her children. She has a long history of dating losers. Tate Donovan? Seriously?!

- Who else believes that Nicky Hilton should stop designing anything?

Well that's enough for one day. Time for lunch. Ta darlings!